San Francisco Police apprehended Jack the Ripper last week – with a little help from the All Worlds Fair.
The legendary criminal, most recently wanted for the killing of an itinerant street walker in 1891, selling arms to Germany in 1916, robbing a Wisconsin bank in 1937, selling arms to Germany in 1943, voter fraud in 1968, defrauding the public on behalf of the Lincoln Savings & Loan company in 1989, and no fewer than 16 violations of FCC standards and practices since 1997, was apprehended at the corner of 5th and Mission on Feb. 13 while trying to exchange 150 shares of Enron preferred stocks for crack cocaine.
According to information on his person, since confirmed, he is currently employed as a Vice-President for Acquisitions at Goldman Sachs.
At a hastily arranged press conference, San Francisco Police Chief Greg Suhr called this “the arrest of the century.”
According to Suhr, the SFPD’s homicide unit was alerted to Jack the Ripper’s presence in San Francisco by a tip from the All Worlds Fair Security Division, which believed he was planning to attend the fair in order to steal Nancy Pelosi’s magic amulet.
Pelosi, who is expected to attend the All Worlds Fair on Friday night, did not return calls for comment.
“Once we got that tip,” said Suhr, “we set up a surveillance unit and monitored the area. We knew he’d be staking the territory, planning an escape route, and possibly killing escorts. We weren’t going to let that happen.”
It took over a week for the round-the-clock surveillance effort to bear fruit, but on Feb. 12 a confidential informant told SFPD officers about a well dressed man responding to “an obscene number of Craigslist ads” in the vicinity. Armed with a description, a sketch, and a copy of several of the ads, they redoubled their efforts.
The result was a confirmed sighting the next day, when Jack the Ripper was spotted coming out of an apartment near the area.
“We think he was hoping to assault a sex worker, but inadvertently ended up purchasing a couch and a tiffany lamp,” Suhr said. “We think he was on his way to pick up a Burning Man ticket. Thank God we stopped him in time.”
The arrest was made by a joint task force of SFPD officers and All Worlds Fair security personnel. No one was harmed as part of the operation, but a love seat with just a little cat fur on it was left out in the rain.
“It’s still pretty good though,” said Suhr. “I’ll let it go for $25 or best offer.”
Reporters were not allowed to speak with the legendary criminal, now behind bars at the San Francisco County Jail. But Suhr described him as both “terrifying” and “unrepentant.”
“We’re talking about an evil that would not die, but carried down through the ages like a plague, mutating his crimes to fit the coming era,” he said. “I want to thank the All Worlds Fair for helping this city make the world a better place.”
Jack the Ripper is now facing extradition to England, where he will face charges in his earliest, most brutal, crimes. He swears no jail can hold him.