But, they said, even these numbers are not enough to save our universe, which will be cancelled at the end of the week and replaced with a single-camera romantic comedy universe.
“We’re sad to see Earth go: it was a groundbreaking universe, ahead of its time, and really pushed the envelope in its prime,” said Yahweh, the Senior Vice-President of Programming. “I consider the Big Bang to be some of our finest work, and I absolutely loved the Roman Empire. The whole emergence of Christianity in season 10 was just dynamite – the cliffhanger ending was unbelievable. And, I think everybody knows, I still have a framed poster of Joan of Arc on my office wall. I’m keeping that.”
But the series took a dark turn in the modern era, he said, and many fans feel Earth lost the spirit of the early days. “We were kind of stunned by the 1890s, and we never really imagined it would turn into a century long drama about genocide,” Yahweh said. “The advertisers were furious, and we were all shrugging our shoulders in the affiliate meetings, saying ‘we don’t know either.’”
He added: “Now that we’ve got the audience back with the All Worlds Fair, which is just going to sweep at the Universys, we thought it would be better to end on a high note rather than have it limp along to an inevitable heat death,”
Shiva, Lord of Creation Through Destruction and Senior VP of Development, said that while there was always pressure on the Earth to turn back the clock and “save the universe,” he has no regrets.
“The most common complaint we heard, almost from day 2, was ‘Bring back the dinosaurs! I loved those guys!’ And yeah, we could have done that: have another asteroid hit the earth in season 17, put the reptiles in charge again,” Shiva said. “But you know what? We had a vision, and we were true to it, and I’m pleased that we’re going out at the top of our creative game. The pedophilia scandal in the Catholic Church and the coming nuclear war in China may not sell soap, but it’s art that I think will stand the test of time – to the extent ‘time’ exists in the new physics we’re working up. If there are years after next week, people will be talking about the Earth for billions of them.”
The new single camera-romantic comedy universe will be titled “Sandy’s Singularity,” and star the archetype of the eternal feminine as a single girl on an infinite singularity of matter and time, trying to believe in love while juggling her career as a defense attorney. Jesus Chris will reprise his Emmy winning role as “Son of God.”
“It’s a completely different direction, and we’re very excited about it,” said Shiva. “You won’t be able to see it from the Void of Oblivion, obviously, but it will come to Netflix after a few seasons, and we hope you’ll watch it then.”
Residents of this universe concerned about their own salvation need not worry, said Yahweh. “You guys will be repeating in syndication forever.”